Positive Discomfort Part 2: Working with schools to help kids get through tasks and transitions
This article is Part 2 of "Positive Discomfort," the concept that the stress kids experience when facing a challenge is not something to be feared or avoided, but to be expected and embraced. It is muscling through the difficulty or fear that builds skills, competence, resilience and perseverance—attributes we all want for our children. It requires the adults who are supporting children to have high expectations with high support. (Check out Part One.)
In this follow up, I tell the story of my work with one family that involved collaboration with the child’s school, so you can see the positive changes that can be made when all the adults in the child's world work together to help them overcome their fears and their resistance to transition and change.
The Case
Jodi and Marshall are the parents of Oliver (7), a highly sensitive child who is very self-conscious and avoids any activity that feels performative, like PE and music, or giving a book report to his class at school. Oliver also resists going to drop-off birthday parties and to a soccer clinic without his parents. Jodi and Marshall sought consultation for guidance on how to help Oliver feel more confident to take risks, to master new challenges, and to muscle through difficult tasks and transitions.
When we first met, Jodi and Marshall had been doing a lot of accommodating. If Oliver refused to go to a birthday party or to soccer on his own, even though they knew their presence was an obstacle to his full participation in these important social experiences, they stayed. The school was also working around Oliver's discomfort. He was the only student who didn't have to give a book report to the class. When he resisted moving classrooms for different subjects, an assistant brought his work to him; he did math while still in the reading lab, for example. When Oliver refused to go to PE or music, they let him sit in a cozy space in the front office and read—a preferred activity.
Jodi and Marshall chose to start with problem-solving the soccer situation. While Oliver loves playing soccer, the clinics can be uncomfortable for him because they involve performance—a big trigger due to Oliver's self-consciousness and worry about not being perfect. We agreed that a key step would be for Jodi and Marshall to no longer stay at the clinics; they would drop Oliver off. The reason for this shift was that when they are present, Oliver focuses all of his attention on them. He seeks them out to complain about anything and everything, to try to get them to take him home, to ask for all sorts of things like a snack or a different drink—all of which keep his attention focused on them and not on participating. Marshall talked to the coach about this new plan to drop Oliver off, and asked if he would be willing to give Oliver a job to engage him in a positive way—to make this change easier. The coach was game. He told Oliver he needed him as a helper; that he wanted Oliver to arrive five minutes early to help set up the cones. This proved to be key. It made Oliver feel important and special; and, it turned out that arriving early led to Oliver more readily participating with the group. Being the first one there helped him feel more comfortable. With this new role, and without mom or dad there to rescue him, Oliver started to participate more and to enjoy the clinics. This is a great example of the concept of the high expectation, high support approach that I find so helpful for kids. We want to have high expectations (in this case, having Oliver attend the clinic without mom or dad present), to show that we believe in them, while giving them the support they need to succeed (in this case, giving him a job so he could see himself as a helper.)
This success with soccer empowered Jodi and Marshall to create more opportunities to expose Oliver to challenges they knew he could work through, like going to birthday parties without them. Jodi reported: "A friend in Oliver's class had a drop-off party. I wasn't sure how this would go because he'd never had a playdate without parents present and he had never been to this friend's house. On the way over, he was freaking out and said I was mean to make him go. Previously, I would have just turned around. But I knew Oliver would regret it and that I would also be enabling his avoidance. I had to physically move him up to the kid's door. But once we entered, he jumped right in, talking to the child and his dad. I left without incident and Oliver had a great time. He didn't want to leave when I arrived to pick him up."
Addressing the School Issues
The first step in solving the challenges at school was to have a team meeting which included: me, Jodi and Marshall, and Oliver's teachers. Together, we devised a plan to build Oliver's sense of himself as a student who is strong, capable and able to overcome challenges, using this concept of high expectations with high support. The guiding principles were: 1) to not enable Oliver's avoidance by letting him choose whether or not to follow the school rules/expectations; 2) setting expectations and limits to create the opportunity for Oliver to muscle through the transition or challenge, with appropriate choices within those limits to give him some sense of control; 3) using natural consequences that would motivate him; and, 4) never shaming, only supporting.
The Plan
1. When Oliver resists moving to his assigned class, the teachers will no longer bring his work to him. That would be enabling. It's not how the world works and sets Oliver up for future stress and failure when other teachers/schools are not so flexible. It also communicates to Oliver that they don't believe he can overcome this challenge. Instead, they will give him two great choices: to either move to the appropriate class and do the work as expected, or not to move in which case he will need to make up the work he misses, either in after care, before he can start playing, or at home, in lieu of screen time.
2. Doing specials will no longer be a choice, meaning staff won't be trying to convince or cajole Oliver to get him to agree to participate. Instead, they will let him know that the school rule is that all kids attend specials (the high expectation.) What he does get to choose is how he participates (the high support.) For example, while he has to go to PE with his class, he can either join the activities or be a reporter. His parents will buy him a reporter's notebook in which he can document what happens in PE class. He then reports his observations back to the teacher. In music, Oliver gets the same choice—he can join in and play an instrument, or be a watcher/reporter. The "have-to" is going to the class and being present. (This exposure is critical. As long as Oliver is able to avoid going to the class and instead get to read in the principal's office, there is no opportunity for muscling through the discomfort.)
3. For performative situations that arise, Oliver will get choices. For example, if the assignment is to give a book report to the class, the teachers will explain to Oliver: "All kids share their ideas about the book. That is the school rule (the high expectation.) But he can choose how he does this: he can share directly with the group, or his teacher or parents will help him make a video of his presentation that the teacher will play for the group (the high support.)
For the music concert, Oliver had been assigned to play the xylophone, which he was struggling with. He was refusing to participate in the event. So they told him that everyone participates (high expectation), but he could choose another instrument and also where he stands for the concert. (High support.) He chose the triangle and to stand on the end.
4. The teachers who are in charge of the specials will email Oliver's parents about upcoming activities so they can prepare Oliver for what to expect and provide any practice that might make him feel more comfortable joining in. This is a good example of high support. We suspect that some of Oliver's hesitance is due to a fear of failure/humiliation if he doesn't do something well. For example, the kids play a lot of floor hockey in PE, so his parents are going to get him equipment to practice at home.
The Outcome
A week after the school and family implement this plan, the teachers reported: "Using the two great choices method is working. Oliver has started participating in gym and music as well as our other activities of the day."
Then, this past Thursday (Jan. 2), the first day back to school after the long winter break, I was cc'd on this email to Jodi and Marshall from the school. "Oliver had a tough time transitioning back to school. He was resistant to coming into and staying in our classroom and chose not to switch classes or do his work this morning. He read a book instead. (This is not at all surprising. For HSCs, transitioning after a long break can be challenging.) We told him that his work from this the morning was a 'must-do’, and that he needed to choose to do it at aftercare or at home to complete the work. He understood and said he would do it at home. The work includes a journal entry, math and language. The teachers have gone over it with him and it is in his backpack." Jodi wrote back that she would be sure to implement the plan at home, having Oliver do the work instead of screen time. The next day Jodi and Marshall received this report from the school: "Thank you so much for your support at home. Oliver took out his work right away and delivered it to his teachers. We thanked him for following through with completing his work. So far he's had a great start to the day!"
I share this story in so much detail because it is such a powerful example of how to help kids in a way that is loving, supportive, and effective. It entails moving from focusing on trying to get kids to agree to cooperate or take a risk—things you can't make them do—to implementing a plan you do control, that exposes versus enables. Without a limit/expectation there is no growth. Every challenge Oliver overcame was made possible by a limit his parents or teachers set: to go to the birthday party and soccer on his own; to have him make up work at home; to make participating in specials a 'have-to' while offering choices. In other words: high expectations with high support.
Related Resources
How To Help Avoidant Kids Take On Challenges And Overcome Fears
When Kids Are Avoidant: How to help them muscle through challenges and work through fears