KEY Mindshifts/Guiding Principles

Here are the key mindshifts that are also guiding principles for my work with families, that are key to helping parents be the calm, loving, connected moms and dads they want to be while also setting the limits and boundaries kids need to thrive.

I have a great kid having a difficult moment They are not misbehaving on purpose. They are not able to meet my expectation in this moment and need support to cope.

When your child is losing it, or not being cooperative, it’s important to react from a place of empathy versus anger and frustration, as big, negative reactions usually lead to escalation, not adaptation. Your child needs you to be their rock to help them move through these difficult situations.

Tantrums and meltdowns are not harmful to my child. The distress my child experiences when they can’t get what they want, when they want it, is not traumatic stress.

All stress is not equal. Learning to adapt to life’s limits is “positive stress,” as it leads to adaptation and the development of self-regulation.

My child needs me to give them what they need, not necessarily what they want.

Your child is going to want a lot of things that aren’t good or healthy for them. Your job is to set the appropriate limits that help them learn to accept life’s frustrations and disappointments.

I can’t control my child. I can control the situation.

You can’t make your child do anything. They are the only ones who control what they do with their words and their bodies. Trying to make them cooperate often results in major power struggles and puts your child in charge. Instead, focus on the limits and boundaries you have the power to implement, versus trying to get your child to agree to cooperate.

 When my child is aggressive with their words or actions, they are not acting with premeditated intent. They are dysregulated and distressed; their “downstairs brain” has taken over. Their body is acting before their brain.

Respond to the underlying feelings they are expressing: “You are mad I won’t allow another episode of your show. I understand.” Then stick to the limit and tolerate their upset.

My child needs more boundaries, not more choices, when they are spiraling out of control.

When kids are dysregulated, they can’t process choices. Less is more. They need you to provide boundaries/limits that help them regain control.

The limit is the lesson. (Aka, less is more.)

You don’t need to use a lot of language or lecture kids to teach them a lesson. In fact, talking a lot in these moments usually increases their dysregulation. For example, when they obfuscate getting into the car to school on time, what they need is for you to, as calmly as possible, get them into the car while making one simple statement: “It’s tough to go from home to school. I will be your helper.” Moving them through this difficult moment with calm and empathy, versus focusing on their non-cooperation, you are showing them that even when they are having a tough time, you are still going to be taking them to school. That is what being their rock looks like.

When my child is fearful about new situations, they need me to help them muscle through, not enable the avoidance. (Aka, what feels mean is sometimes most loving.)

There is no growth or adaptation without exposure. If, say, your child starts rejecting swim lessons, it feels mean to make them go. But enabling the avoidance results in the fear persisting. Your child needs you to provide the exposure that enables them to work through the fear. In this case, that would mean taking them to swim class, while providing the space and support they need to feel comfortable to participate.