I Don’t Like the Choices You’re Choicing Me! How to Set Clear, Enforceable Limits…with Love
Marta has told her 3-year-old, Ruby, to pick up her toys 5 times in the past 10 minutes. Marta is getting increasingly agitated and annoyed, and finally shouts at Ruby that if she doesn’t put all the toys away, Marta will throw them in the garbage. When Ruby continues to ignore her mother’s request, Marta pulls out a plastic trash bag and starts to fill it with Ruby’s toys. Ruby becomes hysterical and Marta feels horrible and ashamed. She takes the toys back out of the bag and comforts Ruby. Marta ultimately cleans the toys up after Ruby has gone to bed.
Every week I am in the homes of families with young children who are struggling with these kinds of scenarios. They are frustrated and angry that their children won’t cooperate, and that they are “driving the car”—taking the parents for a ride. Further, parents feel ashamed when they lose it, when they say harsh things to their children in the heat of the moment and make threats they have no intention of following through on (i.e., to never give them the iPad or take them to the playground again). Ultimately, these parents are depleted and sad, because by the end of the day all they have done is yelled and dealt with ugly power struggles, leaving little room for the pleasures of parenthood.
As I have watched these dynamics unfold on one home visit after another, it has become clear that one key factor at the root of the problem is that the limits and expectations parents set are often dependent on the child’s cooperation—to clean up their toys, get into their PJs, or climb happily into the car seat. The problem is that you can’t actually physically make your child do these things. And any time you are waiting for your child to follow a direction or trying to convince her to cooperate, she is in control. You can demand repeatedly that she not throw a ball in the house or to stay in her room after lights-out, but unless you have a plan for how you are going to follow through on the limit you are trying to set, your child is in the driver’s seat and she knows it. This is not good for her or for you. So, as you go about setting limits, keep in mind that a limit is only as effective as your ability to implement it.
The following are key elements to a positive and effective approach to setting limits:
Make it about choices, not threats. “If you don’t clean up those toys, I’m taking them away for a week!” puts children in a negative and oppositional frame of mind. When you frame it as a choice, and present it in a positive tone, it puts children in a more cooperative state of mind: “Tessa, you have two great choices : if you put all the toys away, you can have them all to play with again tomorrow. If you choose not to clean them all up, I will place the ones that don’t get put away in a safe space and they will be off-limits for (however many days you think is appropriate) .
Make the choices and consequences crystal clear—and be sure that you have control over the outcome of your child’s choices. The example above is a good illustration of this tactic. Rather than nagging Tessa to pick up her toys—waiting for her to cooperate—the solution is one parents can actually implement. Another example: Philip has told Sadie (3 years) that he will make one breakfast for her. She can choose cereal or eggs. She chooses eggs. But as soon as Philip presents them to her, she refuses them and says she really wants peanut butter toast. She insists she won’t eat anything else and that she’ll just starve. Philip, recognizing he can’t actually make Sadie eat the eggs, responds: “Sadie—you know the rule: I make one breakfast. If you choose not to eat it, we will put it in your special to-go container that you can take with you to school in case you get hungry. You can choose peanut butter toast tomorrow.” Two days of following through on this limit—with Sadie experiencing the consequences of her choices—and breakfast battles were bygones.
The key to the “two great choices” is that option #1 is your child making the “right” decision—to cooperate with the expectation. Option #2 is always an end game that you control; that keeps you in charge and doesn’t depend on your child’s cooperation.
Always end your presentation of choices with “you decide”. This reinforces the idea that you aren’t the one making the choice. Remember, you can’t actually make your child do anything—eat, sleep, put toys away, not have a tantrum, etc. What you do control are the consequences of your child’s choices/actions: “Ben, you’ve got two great choices: If you throw the ball into the basket, you can keep playing with it. If you choose to throw it at people, the ball will go away. You decide. What’s the best choice for Ben?” Once you follow through on the limit, give your child another chance within a reasonable period of time—maybe an hour later—so he can experience the positive outcome of making a different choice (ie, getting to keep playing with the ball when he follows the rule.) This is how children learn to make good decisions.
Incentivize with natural, positive consequences (vs. rewards or taking things away): “Natalia, you’ve got two great choices: If you cooperate with getting into pajamas, we’ll have time for one extra book before bed; if you choose not to cooperate, I’ll get you into your PJs, but that means we won’t have time for an extra book. You decide.” You can use the concept of saving time for almost everything. When kids cooperate with a task or limit— the “have-to’s” (i.e., brushing teeth, getting into the car seat, cleaning up toys)— it takes less time. This allows more time for the things they want to do and enjoy—which in fact mirrors real life.
The benefits of having a plan you can implement are:
1) It enables you to remain loving, present and supportive, while also in the driver’s seat—where you, not your child, belongs. I think of this as “responsive” versus “reactive” parenting. There is no need for anger or punishment—your job is to show your child with your actions that cooperating with or accepting a limit is not a choice, it is a direction. And it is not an option to obfuscate or draw you into a knock-down-drag-out battle that raises everyone’s blood pressure and results in both parents and children feeling out of control.
2) Experiencing the consequences of their actions helps children learn to make good choices. This doesn’t mean your child isn’t going to have a total meltdown when you actually follow through—for example, put her breakfast in the take-away bag when the timer goes off to signal the end of breakfast. But remember, that doesn’t mean your approach is wrong. Just because your child doesn’t like a limit, doesn’t mean it’s not good for her. Further, keep in mind that you are not responsible for your child’s decisions—you are in charge of offering clear and appropriate choices and implementing the consequence of your child’s decisions.
What do to when your child rejects all choices and responds, as one 3yo announced: “I don’t like the choices you’re choicing me!”
Don’t take the bait and get drawn into a power struggle trying to convince your child to get with the program. Just move on with option 2. “No problem, I’ll help you into your car seat.” “No problem, I’ll pack up some clothes for you to change into when you get to school.” “No problem, I’ll put your breakfast in a container to eat on the way to school.”
When NOT to give choices
But giving choices isn't ALWAYS helpful to children; for example, when they are spiraling out of control and completely dysregulated. In these moments, their brains are flooded with stress and they can't think clearly, so giving choices feels overwhelming, intrusive, and tends to result in further escalation:
—I want mommy to read...no daddy....no mommy!
—I want the red shirt...no not that one! No, I want a dress.
—You need to fix my blankets...no, not that way...no, that's too crinkly!!!!
In these moments, your child needs a boundary to end the madness and help him calm and adapt, not for you to go down the perilous path to nowhere that is not at all helpful to him when he is completely out of sorts (aka verklempt!)
These are the times when what feels "mean" is loving. Your child is unlikely to be happy with or thank you for the boundary, but consult after consult I hear from parents that when they stop trying to get their child to get with the program by giving her endless choices, and set a clear limit, their child calms and moves on in a much more positive way in the end.
"I know you want mommy to read to you, but it's a daddy reading night. I am going to read two books. I would love for you to sit and look at the pictures with me but that's up to you."
"I see it's really hard this morning to choose your clothes. No problem, I'll put some in your backpack and you can change at school if you decide to do that."
"We are going to have a practice session this afternoon to help you learn how to adjust the blankets just the way you like. Then, at bedtime, I will tuck you in one time. If you don't like the way I do it, or you get up and they get messed up, it's your job to fix them on your own. You are totally capable of that and I have full confidence that you'll figure it out."
Yes, there may be meltdowns initially when you set and hold the boundary, but it ultimately leads to adaptation.