The Limit is the Lesson
A common conundrum for many parents who seek my consultation is how to impart important lessons to their kids who won’t listen. Their kids reject, argue, shut the conversation down or put the blame on their parent.
You will see from the stories below that what I have found...wait for it..is that less is more in these moments. The more you try to get your child to absorb the information you want to impart, the less likely they are to tune in to and internalize it, as these stories below show.
Mara sought my consultation to get a better handle on how to help her son, Micah (5), who tends toward irritability and a half-glass empty, “victim” stance, get through the morning routine. He often wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and it devolves from there; no clothing options are acceptable, the breakfast is “gross,” he whines about everything. Mara has worked very hard on how to support Micah through the necessary tasks. She is now able to manage her frustration and to stay calm. She doesn't fall into the trap of trying to coax Micah out of his bad mood or to make it all better by accommodating him. Instead, she acknowledges his discomfort and crankiness through each step while she holds to the plan and the limits.
She tells him it’s his job at 5 yo to dress himself because he's fully capable of doing it. His two great choices are: 1) He can get dressed at home; or, 2) She will put clothes in his backpack and he can change at school if he wants.
She empathizes with his displeasure at the breakfast choices and doesn't get into a battle over it; he can choose to eat and fill his belly with what she offers, or he can wait to have snack at school.
When it's time to leave, if he is unable to get himself into the car, she does it as calmly as she can to ensure he gets to school on time.
Mara has learned that when Micah is in this headspace, she can’t rely on him to be able to regulate and cooperate. She needs to move him through the necessary tasks.
Then, in a recent consult, Mara shared a video of what had transpired after she had calmly guided Micah through a difficult morning. It had culminated in Mara having to carry him to the car after he refused to cooperate and do it himself. She was not happy with how it went and she wanted feedback. Here’s the play-by-play:
Micah: You hurt me!
Mara: You made me have to carry you to the car! I didn't want to have to pick you up and get you in. Tell me why I had to do that.
Micah: (Screaming) You didn't give me breakfast!
Mom: I gave you breakfast. You chose not to eat it. That's why you're hungry. You can have this cereal bar (that she whips out of her bag.)
Micah: (Still screaming) I don't want the cereal bar! I hate that one! You never give me any food that I like!
This went on for several more minutes as Mara desperately tried to convince Micah that it was his choice (fault) for being hungry and for having to be carried to the car. She felt she needed to teach him a lesson. Micah had a (largely insane) retort for all of her case-making points and he descended into further dysregulation.
The Take-Home: The Limit is the Lesson (and...Less is More)
Moving Micah through this difficult morning, getting him safely into the car and to school, was the lesson. It showed Micah that his mom will and can be his rock when he is spiraling—truly heroic parenting by Mara, giving Micah exactly what he needs when he is spiraling and can’t cope. Full stop.
It was trying to get Micah to see the error of his ways, how it was his actions and choices that led to the outcome, that resulted in things going off the rails and that propelled Micah into further escalation. In the heat of the moment, children don’t have the bandwidth to process the lesson you are trying to teach. Further, many HSCs are allergic to being corrected—they have a knee-jerk, defensive reaction to being schooled. So the lesson falls on deaf ears and gets the child more revved up and reactive. As frustrating as this may be, because you do, indeed, have a lot of important lessons to impart, the fact is that you can't make your child calmly listen to and absorb the information you want them to process.
The good news is that it's your actions that are most powerful and impactful. The words are unnecessary and as you see, often backfire. With this insight, the next time a similar situation arises, Mara makes these course corrections:
She doesn't get defensive: “I know it feels uncomfortable when I need to be a helper and get you into the car seat to get to school on time.” Versus: “I am not hurting you! You made me put you in the car because you wouldn’t cooperate!”
She validates his experience: "It was a really tough morning. I have a cereal bar for you if you decide you want it."
Then she remains a quiet presence and weathers the storm: She doesn't add fuel to his flame. She is the rock Micah needs her to be. This has resulted in Micah calming much more quickly. Most days, once the transition has been made and he is at school, Micah is back in control and has a great day.
A note about offering the cereal bar: I suspect that at least a few readers are going to question this—wondering how this was not “caving.” Before I was working deep in the trenches with families, I may, indeed, have judged this as an accommodation. But now I see it differently and in a larger context. The benefit of Mara not becoming a short order cook or getting into a battle with Micah at breakfast—two scenarios that can have major costs—far outweighs the relative lower “cost” of offering a heathy(ish) alternative in the car to give Micah a chance to change his mind and fill his belly. (Of course, in this case it was moot! He was on fire at that point and nothing she offered was going to be acceptable.)
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The next story involves a child, Declan (6), who, like Micah, is also more moody and irritable by nature—an attribute that I see more frequently in highly sensitive kids. Their deep processing means they get overwhelmed more easily which results in their having a lower tolerance for frustration and discomfort. Declan’s parents, Kathryn and Brendan reported the following:
"Declan's starting point is aggrieved. We sit down for dinner and he whines, 'You didn't get me my milk,' not, 'Thank you so much for this delicious meal you have made after a long day at work. Can I please have some milk?' We get to the playground, and he whines, 'You didn't bring the right pail,' not, "Wow, thanks for bringing me to this amazing park!' We read 3 books before bed and he complains, 'We didn't get to read my favorite about the pandas’ (because he hadn't chosen it!) The whining is out of control and is driving us insane. He finds fault with EVERYTHING. Nothing we have tried has made a difference. When we ask him to please ask nicely and we'll be happy to help him or get him what he wants, he gets more angry and out of control."
Kathryn and Brendan's reaction, like most parents in this situation, has been to try to teach Declan a lesson by explaining that he should be grateful for what he has and all they are doing for him, to the tune of: "Why don't you see all the things we DO for you?" "Why do you have to look at everything so negatively?" "It's never enough for you." "We didn't read the Panda book because YOU didn't choose it! It's not our fault."
The problem is that for many kids, especially those wired to be more negative and reactive, trying to change their feelings or perspective serves as fodder for them to double-down on their negativity, to prove to you just how victimized they are. Further, a negative response fuels negativity.
What I find most helpful (and counterintuitive, as are so many of the strategies that work with big reactors), is to "kill them with kindness;" to do the opposite of what your child is triggering and expecting from you. In this case, Kathryn and Brendan might respond:
"I hear there's something else you would like with your dinner, that you were expecting. That happens! Let's work together to get you that milk." Then they would engage Declan in the process of meeting his need in a developmentally appropriate way.
"You wish you had a different pail. I understand. You can choose to use the ones we have or you can play somewhere else at the park. You decide!"
"There are so many books to choose from each night! We are lucky to have so many. I can't wait to read the panda book tomorrow if that's your choice."
Essentially, the approach is to acknowledge your child's feelings and move on, not to go down the rabbit hole of trying to teach them a lesson or to jump to the rescue to make it all better. When you solve the problem for your child, to take them out of their discomfort, it conveys that you don't think they can handle it when things don't go the way they want. That mindset/expectation becomes an obstacle to their learning the resilience you so badly want to instill in them. When you are a positive presence and don't fuel the flames, you are modeling that it's not the end of the world and that you have faith they can adapt. That is the lesson.
End Note: For those of you with kids who are wired like Micah and Declan, it can be a hard pill to swallow and feel unfair, especially when you see other kids or have another child who is positive and easy-going. You wonder, "Why can't you just be like so-and-so and roll with the punches, and see all the amazing things you have and get to do?!" It's important to remember this negativity and victim stance is not something your child has chosen or that you have engendered in them. Temperament is biologically determined and present from birth, influenced by genetics and neurological factors. For more on how to support kids who are more angsty by nature and have a pessimistic, half-glass-empty outlook, see the blog noted below that goes in deep on this phenomenon.
Related Resources
How To Teach Lessons To Kids Who Can’t Tolerate Being Corrected
When Less Is So Much More In Supporting Your Big Reactor
It’s All Your Fault! Why children blame you for everything that goes wrong
When Your Child Has A Pessimistic Outlook