The Cheat Sheet: Key Phrases and Strategies From The Trenches
For years, my clients and readers have asked for a cheat-sheet of the key phrases or mantras I use as I help parents solve their childrearing challenges. The goal of these messages is, at their core, to help moms and dads be the loving limit-setters their children need them to be in a way that is supportive, not shaming, a needle that can seem impossible to thread in the heat-of-the-moment, especially if you have a big reactor.
So here goes...
Mantras For Your Kids
"This is a 'Have-To'"
Almost every family who comes to see me seeks my help because they are ensconced in persistent power struggles with their kids. This dynamic is exhausting, enraging, frustrating, and ultimately very detrimental to both parent and child. When there is a power struggle, everyone Ioses: parents lose their sense of competence and authority, as well as positive feelings about their child and parenthood, period. Kids lose because they are not supposed to be in charge. While on the outside it may seem they want to have all the power, on the inside it makes them feel unsafe. It also limits opportunities for growing and building resilience— learning to manage life’s frustrations and disappointments.
As I observed these struggles first-hand, on home visits or via video/audio parents shared, the root of the challenge became clear: the lack of a clear limit or expectation. Moms and dads were asking, cajoling, nagging, threatening, offering rewards or begging their kids to follow a direction, inadvertently conveying to their kids that the limit/expectation/direction was negotiable and dependent on the child's agreement with it.
The first step in turning things around was parents having a simple, go-to tool to be clear and concrete about the expectation. That's how the "have-to" was born.
You start by explaining to your child, in a quiet moment when they are regulated—NOT in the heat of the moment when their brains are on fire—that there are choices and there are "Have-To's." Choices are things they get to decide, like what flavor ice cream they want, which pants to wear to school, what toys to play with, etc. Have-To's are not choices; they are limits that have to be set and tasks that have to be done because they keep kids safe, healthy and strong. It goes like this: "Izzy, it's time to get in the car to get to gymnastics on time. That's a have-to."
Let them know you will always tell them when it's a "Have-To," which is the signal that lets them know the direction you're giving them isn't something you will be debating or negotiating. You will always explain the reason for the "Have-To" and you will be sticking to it because it's your job. (Explanations for your rules are very important for kids.)
See this blog for more on implementing the "Have-To."
"You have Two Great Choices!"
The "two great choices" is the companion to the "have-to" and has become foundational in my work with families. It is the next, necessary step in preventing the power struggle by moving parents from trying to get their child to change their behavior—something they have no control over and which is fodder for the fight—to controlling the situation. It puts parents back in charge and in control of the important outcome, for example getting a child to school on time and you to work on time; staying in bed at night; limiting screen time and sweets. It goes like this:
"It's time to turn off the tablet. That's a have-to. You have two great choices: 1) you can do your job and turn it off and get to watch again later today; or, 2) you can choose not to turn it off which means I’ll have to do your job and there won't be any more screen time today. You decide."
"I know it’s really hard to leave the playground when you’re having so much fun. But it’s time to go home to get ready for dinner. That’s a have-to. The great news is that how it happens is up to you. If you want to be in charge of your body, you can choose option #1 and climb into the car seat on your own. If you choose not to do that, option #2 is I will be a helper and get you safely in the car seat. You decide. What is the best choice for Stella: to get in on your own or have mommy be a helper?”
"Staying buckled in safely while in the car is a have-to. Unbuckling your car seat is very unsafe. I can't drive if you aren't buckled in. I can't be back there and make sure you stay buckled, so your two great choices are: 1) you stay buckled and we get home on time, which means we can add five minutes to play/screen/cuddle time (or whatever activity your child loves) because cooperating with rules saves time; or, 2) I have to stop driving and pull over to a safe place until you are buckled. Every minute I have to wait gets taken from play/screen/cuddle time."
For a deep dive into how to use this tool, see this blog.
"This is a mommy/daddy decision. We don’t expect you to like it and aren’t asking you to agree with it."
"Nico, we know you don't like Greek School and we accept that. It's a mommy/daddy decision because it's important to us that you learn about our history and culture. We aren't asking you to agree with our decision; we know you aren't happy about it. That's okay."
Why is it important to say out loud that you don’t expect your child to like the limit? Because I often see parents trying to convince their children to agree with/accept the plan. Children pick up on the fact that the limit is dependent on their agreement. Being the strategic humans that they are, they focus all of their energy on showing you just how against this plan they are, hoping to derail you from following through on the limit you are trying to set—exhausting for all involved. When you show that you are okay with their not liking the limit, that in fact you empathize with them about this and are not trying to change their mind, it diffuses the power of the protest or tantrum. You are not afraid of it, you expect and can handle it.
"Your body is acting before your brain."
It is very triggering for parents when their kids hit, kick, push, bite, or pinch. In an effort to eliminate these aggressive behaviors, the natural default for most moms and dads is to become harsh and punitive. They shame: “What is wrong with you? Why would you want to hurt your friend?” They use threats and punishment: “No TV time for the rest of the week if you hit again!” Or, instill fear: “No one will ever want to play with you if you hurt them.” The problem with these tactics is that while they may seem logical from an adult perspective—that they should motivate a child to stop the behaviors—they often backfire for several reasons:
When children feel shamed, they shut down. Their brains get flooded with negative emotion. When they are in "red zone"—their minds and bodies are out of control—they can’t take in any lesson you are trying to impart. Further, it’s during the first five years that children are developing their sense of self—what kind of person they are—which is deeply affected by the messages they get from those around them. If a child is repeatedly told that there is something wrong with them, that they are an aggressive, violent, or “mean” person, they internalize these messages. They become part of the child’s personal narrative which they then act on—the old self-fulfilling prophecy at work.
Young children don’t have the self-control necessary to stop themselves from acting on their impulses. They are not being aggressive on purpose. This can be confusing to parents because by age 3, most kids understand from a cognitive perspective that hitting, kicking, biting are hurtful and unacceptable. Parents thus expect their children should be able to act on this knowledge. But what brain science tells us is that in the heat of the moment, the downstairs brain takes over and kids are driven by emotion and impulse which can result in aggressive behavior. Another confusing factor is that parents see other children the same age who are not acting out with their bodies. So they assume that their child is making a conscious choice to be harmful.
I came up with this phrase as a way to address aggressive behavior without shaming kids. Saying this mantra, "Your body is acting before your brain" solves two problems:
It puts parents in a more empathetic state-of-mind which makes it much more likely they will address the aggressive behavior using a teaching versus punitive approach.
It messages to the child that you know they don't mean to be hurtful. They are not bad, malicious, or violent—all attributes that kids internalize and become part of their self-narrative, leading to more aggressive behavior. You are describing exactly what this is—their body acting before their brain.
“Your brother knocked down your tower which was very upsetting and your body acted before your brain and you pushed him. I know you didn't mean to hurt him. We are going to help you find ways to express your big feelings in safe ways."
For more on why kids act aggressively and how to address it using a teaching versus punishing approach, see this blog.
Mantras For YOU!
"I can't control my child. I can control the situation."
The first step to take when you find yourself in a potential struggle with your child is to ask yourself: "What do I control and not control in this situation?" Can I make my child: agree to get into the car, get dressed (and keep their clothes on), come to or stay at the dinner table, stop going into the pantry and grabbing snacks at will, stay in their bedroom after lights-out? If the answer is "no," then focus on what you can do to scaffold the situation, what limits you have the power to implement to keep you in charge in a loving way that helps children get through important everyday routines, tasks and transitions. (This is where the "two great choices" tools comes in.) Pausing to ponder this question helps parents focus on the former—what they can control—and prevents them from going down the rabbit hole of trying to get their child to change their mind and agree to get with the program.
"I have a great kid having a difficult moment."
When kids are not cooperating or are engaging in unacceptable behavior, they are not choosing to "misbehave." Whatever expectation you have—be it that they will stay in their room at lights-out, accept not getting a toy at the store, clean up their toys, cooperate with getting into the car to go to preschool—they are unable to meet that expectation in that moment. They are not trying to work your last nerve or mortify you in public. They need compassion, support and boundaries to make a transition or accept a limit.
To remind parents of this in the heat-of-the-moment, I came up with the mantra, "I have a great kid having a difficult moment" to put them in a positive, empathetic mindset that makes it more likely they will respond calmy and effectively without shaming and shutting their child down, or sending them into a more serious spiral. It’s also helpful to say this out loud to your child: “You hit Charlie because you got overexcited and lost control. Your body acted before your brain. You’re a great kid having a difficult moment.”
Mindset matters so much. All of our actions as parents stem from our thought process. When we shift our lens it can be life-changing.
"My job is to give my child what they need, not necessarily what they want."
Kids are bottomless pits. It's in their DNA to want more of everything. It will never feel like sufficient: sweets, screen time, cuddle time, playground time, etc. They may want endless books at bedtime, but that delays their getting the sleep they need (and you getting the respite you need!) and results in protracted negotiations (aka power struggles) that cause significant stress for you and your child. Your child may want you to dress them at an age when they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. But doing it for them impedes the development of important skills and erodes their sense of independence and self-confidence.
That’s where limits come in and why they are loving, even when your child doesn’t make you feel like you are being loving. They accuse you of starving them when you won’t be a short-order cook; they proclaim that you love their sibling more when you tell them they need to share the coveted truck with their brother. A five-year-old cries, “Mama, you’re breaking my heart,” when her mom puts a limit on cuddle time (which is already 15 minutes) before lights-out.
This mantra reminds parents to pause when their child is making a demand and to ask themselves: "Is this a want or a need?" This helps them get clear on whether there is an important limit to be set and to find the fortitude to implement it. “I know, it will never be enough cuddle time. I love it too. But it’s time for lights-out. I can’t wait to see you in the morning and give you a big hug.”
I hope you find these mantras, or guiding principles, helpful, too!.