How to Help Highly Sensitive Children Be More Adaptable and Flexible
This article is part of a series on understanding and supporting highly sensitive children. You can check out other installments in this series, here.
Flexibility is one of the most important assets for functioning well in this world. It is an essential ingredient for adapting to the countless events in life that we can’t predict or control. It also helps us work effectively in groups and develop healthy relationships because it enables us to take into consideration the perspectives and needs of others.
It’s important to keep in mind that learning to be flexible is harder for some children than others, largely due to their temperament. Go-with-the-flow kids, those "dandelions"* who are more adaptable by nature, are naturally more flexible. "Orchids"*--who are wired to be more sensitive—tend to be more inflexible. They often have intense responses to seemingly minor stressors, as illustrated by these typical examples:
Henry threw a huge fit because I picked him up from childcare instead of Grandma, who usually gets him at the end of the day. He kept shouting, “NO! Nana gets me!” He refused to get in the car and insisted I go home and get my mother to come instead
Chelsea refused to take a bath because I turned on the water when she wanted to do it herself.
Alexa hurled a cereal bowl across the room because I put the Cheerios in the blue bowl, not her favorite red bowl.
Luca refused to get dressed so I went downstairs with his baby sister. He started shouting that I had to come back up because he is the line leader and we are not allowed to go downstairs unless he is in front.
Flexibility can be even more challenging for children who have low sensory thresholds, meaning they are over-responsive to sensory input. Consider the child who feels very uncomfortable when other kids get too close to him and invade his space. For this child, the world can feel overwhelming as he is constantly bombarded by uncomfortable sensations. This naturally makes him feel more out of control than a child whose sensory system is better regulated and who is able to tolerate more input from the outside world. (I will address this phenomenon--that HS children often are over-responsive to sensory input--in a future installment in this series. You can also check out this blog to learn more about the impact of sensory processing on behavior.)
Because highly sensitive (HS) children register their feelings and experiences in the world so deeply, they live in a state of high-alert to prepare for and protect themselves from whatever big emotion or event they may be exposed to next that may feel overwhelming or uncomfortable. To cope, they come up with fixed ideas and expectations about how things should be to make daily life more manageable. This makes them inflexible—unable to accept an alternative way of doing things. Dictating where people will sit, how loud the music can be, what color bowl their cereal should come in, what clothes they will and will not wear, or how close the chicken can be to the carrots on their dinner plate—seemingly irrational demands—are all coping mechanisms HS children use to control an environment that otherwise feels out of control. The more out of control these kids feel on the inside, the more controlling they become on the outside.
How to help your child become more flexible:
Validate your child's emotions and experiences. Remember, feelings are never the problem—it's what kids do with their feelings that can become problematic.The more you acknowledge the emotions that are driving your child's behavior, the better equipped she is to manage them in more effective ways: "You are upset because you thought Grandma was going to pick you up. I totally get that—you don't like it when something different happens from what you expected."
Set the limit calmly and lovingly. "But Grandma went to the doctor and the appointment took longer than expected. So, I am here to get you." Then, as calmly as you can, move along to show your child that you are not going to engage in a long back-and-forth about this or react to her protestations, as that only fans the flames and reinforces the inflexibility. Ignore her attempts to draw you into a struggle but don't ignore her. Even as she is kicking and screaming while you buckle her into the car seat, you might start telling a funny story, put on music she likes, or talk about what you might play together when you get home, to show that you are available to engage in positive ways but will not keep a negative dynamic going.
Teach perspective-taking. When you set limits appropriately, and don't give in to your child's unreasonable demands, you are helping your child see the world from other people's point of view and take into account their needs and feelings. For example: “Teddy, I know you want me to read this book right now, but Joey is uncomfortable and needs a diaper change. I’ll read to you when he’s all set.” Then ignore his antics, change the baby's diaper and re-engage Teddy when you're done. Let him know he did a great job waiting (even if he screamed the whole time) and that now you can read the book. The idea is to focus on the fact that he survived the waiting—the outcome you want to reinforce—and not to pay attention to the behaviors designed to derail you and get you to adapt to his demands. Another example: "I know you want to wear the Batman cape. It's your favorite. But Sumi also wants a turn. We can use a timer to help you share.You can either choose another cape to wear when it's Sumi's turn, or you can wait until it's your turn. That's your choice. But we are going to give her a turn because that's fair."
Model flexibility. Highlight ways you are being flexible in your everyday experiences. “I can’t find my favorite hat. I guess I’ll have to be flexible and wear this one instead.” “This restaurant isn’t open. We’ll have to be flexible and choose a different place to eat.” “We were going to go to the park this afternoon, but I see you have some energy to burn so I am going to be flexible and take you this morning.”
Acknowledge and give a lot of positive feedback when your child is being flexible. "You gave Henry the tunnel he wanted for his train and took the bridge instead. You did a great job being flexible!” “You really wanted to go on the swing, but they were all taken, so you played in the sandbox instead. Great job being flexible!” "You wanted to turn on the water for the bath but mommy had already done it. You were disappointed but you were able to calm yourself and have a fun tub-time. And then you got to be the one who turned the water off. Being flexible is awesome!"
Point out the benefits to your child of being flexible. Here are some recent examples from families I work with:
Paloma loves active play, so her parents signed her up for a soccer program. But when they arrived for the first session, she refused to participate because she wanted to have control of the ball the entire time instead of taking turns. She insisted on quitting the program. But her dad, Richard, told her that they had committed to the class and so they would keep going. He acknowledged that he would not and could not force her to participate. It is her body and only she can decide what to do with it. So, her choices would be to sit on the sidelines and watch, or to join the group. By the second class, Paloma started to inch her way toward the group and by the third class, she was starting to participate. By the fifth class she was all-in and loving it. Richard gave her lots of kudos for taking a risk and pointed out to her how if she hadn’t been flexible, she never would have known how much she loved soccer and playing it with her friends. Now, when Paloma is digging in her heels, Richard helps her recall the soccer experience to remind her of her ability to be flexible and the benefits of accepting alternative options.
Matteo insists his parents place his five blankets on him in exactly the order and way he prescribes every night. Shockingly, he gets up minutes after they say “goodnight” to tell them he needs water, or another kiss, or any host of obfuscations to avoid going to bed. The blankets naturally get all messed up and the ritual starts all over again, with Matteo’s parents having to arrange them according to his specifications. After I thought this scenario through with mom and dad, we agreed that this process was reinforcing Matteo’s rigidity which was not good for him. So, his parents made a rule that they would put the blankets on one time. If he chose to get up after lights-out, he would need to get the blankets back on by himself. They had him practice how to do this—to empower him. The first few nights were difficult. But once Matteo saw the plan was firm, he often chose to stay in bed. If he did get up, he got comfortable arranging the blankets himself. This helped him see that he could survive having the blankets positioned on his body in ways that were not exactly as he was used to. This increased his ability to be flexible and nurtured his resilience.
CHECK OUT ALL THE BLOGS IN THIS SERIES ON UNDERSTANDING AND SUPPORTING HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILDREN.